A Letter For Him

Hi I,

Gulat ka no? Kasi di mo ineexpect na makakareceive ka ng ganito ngayon.. Ng sulat lalong lalo na at galing saken. Actually di ko rin alam kung ba't ako gumawa ng ganito kung pwede ko naman sabihin sayo ng harapan. Pero yun nga lang, duwag ako at kagaya pa rin ng dati na hanggang parinig at pagsusulat lang ng blogs or letters ang alam ko. Sorry hindi ko kaya e. Hindi ko kayang sabihin sayo ng harapan kaya pagpasensyahan mo na, pagtiisan mo nalang kagaya nung 1st year turning 2nd year tayo, nung umamin ako sayo sa text after kong malaman na kayo na ni M.A. nun. Hahaha.

Sana...basahin mo siya hanggang sa dulo. Sana hindi mo kaagad punitin or itapon, lalong lalo na ang ipabasa sa iba. Gusto ko ikaw lang ang makabasa neto.. kasi ginawa ko 'to para sayo e. Gets mo? Ayun, sana rin maappreciate mo lahat.. lahat lahat ng sasabihin ko sayo sa sulat ko na 'to para naman kahit at least dito, maramdaman ko na may care ka sa feelings ko. At kung may girlfriend ka man ngayon please, peace lang tayo- if ever ipabasa mo 'to. No harm intended.

Hindi ako magpapaligoy ligoy pa.

Mahal kita. As in mahal. Di ko na ieexplain since nagmahal ka na rin naman.

Maniwala ka man o hindi.

For almost 8 years, minahal kita and honestly hindi naging madali yun since alam mo na, langit ka tas lupa ako. Hahaha. Joke. But kidding aside, ikaw lang yung minahal ko simula first year highschool tayo hanggang ngayon na gagraduate na tayo. Alam kong dumating si R... Or si F (y'know... hint: FAIR), pero wala yun, parang ginamit ko lang sila (wow, big word) para hindi mo malaman yung nararamdaman ko para sayo nun.

Mahirap.. Oo. Pero kinaya ko kasi ayoko ng masira ulit yung pagkakaibigan natin. Ang hirap kaya nun, sobrang naging close kita tas biglang naging friends to strangers real quick. Thankful nalang ako kasi kahit papaano nabalik yung pagkakaibigan natin. Though hindi gaya noong dati but still.. we're friends and that's more than enough. Yun nga lang sobrang awkward pa din ako sayo.. until now. At sobrang kinakabahan pa din ako kapag kausap kita. Tinatry ko na nga lang din na tumingin sa mga mata mo e, para at least di ba di mo mahalata na malaki pa rin yung epekto mo saken.

Actually gusto kong ikwento lahat lahat ng mga di ko makakalimutang memories sa isip ko na kasama ka, kaso baka isipin mong ang weird ko, ang creepy or kung anu-ano pa.

(Pause. So hanggang dito lang yung nasulat ko talaga. After graduation ko na siya natapos since di ko kayang isulat 'to sa papel at ibigay sayo personally. Yun lang.)

By the way, I don't need your response or anything. Gusto ko lang talagang malaman mo ang nararamdaman ko. Kung gaano kadalas kitang naiisip nung highschool tayo. Maging nung college, ng maging makaparehas tayo ng course.

Alam mo ba na sobrang saya ko? Kasi nagkatotoo yung sinulat ko sa class prophecy ko na assignment natin sa Filipino nung 4th year tayo. Although, yung scene dun, naging magkacompany tayo- still friends plus asaran. Haha. Yun nga lang sa college, naging magkaklase lang tayo. Tanda mo ba (alam kong hindi) na hindi ko pinabasa yun sayo kahit na pinabasa mo sa akin yung iyo kasi paano nalang kung mahalata mo na gustong gusto kita? Na kahit sa future iniisip kong kasama kita kahit alam kong panaginip lang din sa huli (since panaginip lang ang naging ending ng class prophecy ko).

Ah.. So in the end wala pa rin talaga akong lakas ng loob na sabihin sayo yung nararamdaman ko. Ni hindi nga kita malapitan nung graduation natin e. Kahit na gustong gusto kong magpapicture sayo. Hirap talagang maging duwag. Yung hanggang salita nalang palagi. Nakakainis isipin na wala akong magawa para man lang maging worth it yung nararamdaman ko hanggang huli. Suportadong suportado ako ng mga kaibigan ko pero ano? Hanggang huli loser pa rin ako.

Siguro kung mababasa mo man 'to, either aksidente lang, may nakapagsabi sayo or makita mo yung link sa profile ng facebook ko which is very impossible since ano nga namang gagawin mo sa account ng isang kagaya ko di ba? Hahahahahahahaha. Nakakatawa ka talaga Rei.

I'm sorry, I. I'm so sorry that this loser can't forget you. I'm sorry that I loved you since highschool. I'm sorry that I ruined our friendship. But thank you, for giving me a chance. For giving me another chance to be your friend. Another chance to stay beside you. Kahit na may ulterior motive ako. Heh. Sobra sobrang thanks pa rin. You don't know how happy it made me. Thank you for everything you've done for me. For helping me. For being with me in my birthdays (who would have thought that since highschool hanggang nitong college e complete attendance ka. Kahit na yung foods lang talaga pinupunta mo. Hahaha. Oh right, there's this one moment nga pala that I can't ever forget- when you paid half of the karaoke and only sang when everyone went home. Pano ko nga ba makakalimutan e I thought you're just joking about it at first. Sino ba naman ang magbabayad ng karaoke sa birthday ng kung sino di ba? But you really did it. And that's where I realized that that kindness of yours was one of your strong points- not to mention that you never go back on your word. I guess that's one of the reason why I fell for you in the first place). For the care (honestly I can't forget that time nung magka-sore eyes ako and then umabsent since you're the only one who message me just to ask if I'm fine already... well, my eyes to be exact.). For smiling at me. For not ignoring me. All those small things, I really appreciate it a lot even if I know it never really had any meanings for you. Of course, why would you anyway? I'm the only one who put meanings to it and turned it into special ones. Well, ganun naman talaga di ba? Kapag may special someone ka special sayo lahat ng nangyayari sa inyong dalawa?

The funny thing is I'm a forgetful person, that I've already forgot almost half of the people I've met in the past or even those scenes that were once special for me, but those I've received from you, things or even memories, I find it hard to believe that I'm still keeping some in mind as if it was really not meant to be forgotten by me. I didn't even know how but I can't help but be thankful for it since I don't want to forget too. I don't ever want to forget you.

You're not my first love. You're not even the first one who broke my heart. I've had plenty of experiences before because I'm this coward and I never had any confidence in myself. You don't need to feel bad (if you ever felt that way? jk.). If it was the highschool me who wrote this I would have cried a ton but I am the person I am now. I've already learned how to bear and numb the pain of unrequited love. Besides, it didn't hurt as much as before when this feelings were just starting to bloom. Hm, does that mean I've matured even just for a bit?

Anyway, if you ever read this. Please. Please don't comment here. Either keep your thoughts to yourself or message me on facebook (wait, on the second thought. Don't.). Yep. It's better that way. Don't bring it up on my face if we ever saw each other again because I swear I'll die- of embarrassment.

Please take care of yourself always.

Love,
Rei

Confession #6

Miss na miss na miss na miss na miss na kita.

As in. Sobra.

Feeling ko sa graduation nalang ulit tayo magkikita.

Tapos pagkatapos... wala na.

Tuluyan ka ng mawawala sa buhay ko.